10 Questions Not To Ask Me About Poker (because you won't like the answers)
Based on the 2+2 bbv thread "Why I don't tell people I play poker" and (sadly) on a lot of personal experience!
Did you win or lose at poker last night?
me: Does it matter? I try to think long term and ignore the short term swings.
noob: I want to know, just tell me.
me: OK I won.
noob: How much?
noob: But how much did you lose?
me: What? I didn't lose anything, I won $xxxx
noob: So you didn't lose any money before you won the $xxxx?
me: No, you asked me how much I won and I gave you the net total. It includes all the wins and loses.
noob: Wow that's how much I make in a month. Do you make that much every day? You must be rich.
me: Some days i win, some days i lose. There's a lot of variance involved.
Are you addicted to poker?
me: No, I'm not addicted.
noob: Well how often do you play poker?
me: Every day
noob: You're addicted then
me: You're a clown. I'm playing poker to make money, I'm not f**king addicted
noob: Sure, that's what they all say, all the gambling addicts.
What's the most that you've ever won in a day/week/month/year?
me: That's personal, I'd rather keep that to myself.
noob: What, don't be a dick, just tell me.
me: I'm not being a dick, I just don't want to tell you how much money I make at my job. I don't ask you how much you make for answering phone calls and playing minesweeper.
noob: That's different, you won the money.
me: I earned it. It's not like I'm playing the f**king lottery!
Can you actually make a living playing poker?
me: Yes you can, unless you're an idiot, then you probably can't.
noob: But if you're playing poker all day instead of working then how do you pay your bills and buy food and things?
me: With the money i make playing poker.
noob: Wow, how is that even possible?
me: It's possible because I play poker for money. What did you think, that I was playing for match sticks or something?
noob: But can you make as much money as a real job?
me: If I was making less than a real job, I'd go get a real job, duhhh.
noob: I don't understand how you can make money at it though.
me: Because you're an idiot. Luckily many other idiots exist in the world and they put money online and lose it to me playing poker.
noob: Well you're the idiot because if you want a loan or a mortgage the bank won't give it to you because you don't have a proper job.
me: What makes you think I'd ever need a loan or a f**king mortgage?
Can you teach me how make money playing poker?
me: I could, but it's not worth my while teaching a beginner. Go buy a book or something.
noob: What? Why won't you teach me?
me: Because i don't want to waste my valuable time explaining to you basic stuff like the difference between a straight and a flush.
noob: You're such an asshole, I can't believe you don't want to teach me. I'm never talking to you about poker again.
me: Good, and if I ever want to learn how to scrape half-chewed bacon off plates in a greasy cafe I won't ask for your expert opinion either.
If I give you £100 can you double it up for me?
me: Why would I waste my time playing with your money when I could play with my own money?
noob: Well, I'll give you a cut of the winnings then.
me: Can't you see how dumb this is? Why don't you go put in a long shift at the factory and give me a cut of your wages?
noob: Come on, it won't take you long. Just double it up for me quick.
me: Oh really, and what if I lose it?
noob: What? I thought you were good.
What happens if/when you lose all your money?
me: I use pretty good bankroll management strategy, and based on my expected win rate its practically impossible for me to go bust.
noob: So, you have a system?
me: Well... OK, yes, it's a "system"
noob: The thing is, all gamblers lose all their money eventually. You should quit while you're ahead so you don't lose it all back. The house always wins in the end.
me: Thanks for that insight, would you like me to explain poker bankroll management in more detail?
noob: *ignores me* My uncle so-and-so had a "system" and he ended up getting into debt and losing his house. My auntie divorced him and now he sleeps on our sofa and works in Burger King 45 hours a week.
me: What? Oh my god, really? i never even knew that your uncle was a poker player?
noob: He was betting on the horses.
me: What the f**k has that got to do with poker?
noob: Well gambling's gambling.
me: Yeah you're right. Gambling's gambling. Hey, lets flip a coin, you win you get £1000 and if i win you get punched. Ok, heads I win, tales you lose, here we go....
Do you have a good poker face?
me: I play online. You know that I play online. People can't see my face you fool.
noob: Yeah but have you heard that "Poker Face" song?
me: Yeah, I hate it!
noob: But it's about YOU!
me: No, no it's not, now shut up.
noob: "cant read mah pa-pa-pa-pa-pooooker face. pokaaa faaaace"
me: Die in a fa-fa-fa fa-fa-fa-fire.
noob: But how can you tell when they are bluffing or not if you cant see their face?
noob: So if you can't see the other person is poker just luck on the computer then?
Won't the sites close your account if you keep winning money?
me: Why, why the hell would they?
noob: They don't want to keep losing money to you.
me: I'm not playing against the site, i'm playing against other people.
noob: Oh theres other people playing? so how do the sites make their money then?
me: YES there are other people playing goddamnit. And the sites make money because they take a cut of each pot or tournament.
noob: So the house always wins?
me: Yes the house always wins.
noob: I knew it!
How can you trust playing poker on a computer? They could be cheating you.
me: The sites I play on are trustworthy and well respected.
noob: But how do you really know they aren't cheating you?
me: They have no reason to. They make money out of each pot regardless of who wins so why would they risk their reputation and losing customers by cheating me?
noob: To make even more money.
me: Well I've been playing for years and consistantly winning. If they are cheating me they're doing a pretty terrible job at it.
noob: but i heard about this site called Ultimate Bet
me: ......... sighhhh *facepalm*